


Cowl's Mooving Pasture

by miacathart



Category: Howl Series - Diana Wynne Jones, Howl no Ugoku Shiro | Howl's Moving Castle
Genre: Cowl - Freeform, Cows, F/M, moo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:06:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29772459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miacathart/pseuds/miacathart
Summary: Everything is the same, but Howl is now a Cow. You're welcome. This is meant to be taken as a joke and is a parody of Howl's moving castle. All respective rights go to Diana Wynne Jones. (I will be doing large timeskips where Howl is not present for plagiarism reasons.)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	Cowl's Mooving Pasture

It was a perfectly normal day for May Day, but Sophie was scared of that too. And when a young cow in a fantastical blue-and-silver costume spotted Sophie and decided to accost her as well, Sophie shrank into a shop doorway and tried to hide.

The young cow looked at her in surprise. "Moo moo moo, moo moo moo moo," he said, laughing rather pityingly. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. Moo moo moo moo."

The pitying look made Sophie utterly ashamed. He was such a dashing specimen too, with a bony sophisticated face-really quite old, well into his twenties-and elaborate blonde hair. His sleeves trailed longer than any in the Square, all scalloped edges and silver insets. "Oh, no thank you, if you please, sir," Sophie stammered. "I-I'm on my way to see my sister."

"Moo moo moo moo moo moo," laughed this advanced young cow. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo? Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo, moo moo moo moo moo?"

He meant it kindly, which made Sophie more ashamed than ever. "No. No thank you sir!" She gasped and fled away past him. He wore perfume too. The smell of hyacinths followed her as she ran. What a courtly cow! Sophie thought, as she pushed her way between the little tables outside Cesari's. 

Time Skip

* * *

Sophie slapped slices of bacon into the pan. It was good and hot. The bacon sizzled, and she had to wrap her skirt round her hand to hold the handle. The door opened, but she did not notice because of the sizzling. "Don't be silly," she told Calcifer. "And hold still because I want to break the eggs."

"Oh, hello, Cowl," Micheal said helplessly. Sophie turned around at that, rather hurriedly. She stared. The tall young cow in a flamboyant blue-and-silver suit who had just come in stopped in the act of leaning a guitar in the corner. He brushed the fair hair from his rather curious glass-green eyes and stared back. His long, angular face was perplexed. 

"Moo moo moo moo moo?" said Cowl. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo?"

"I am a total stranger Sophie lied firmly. After all, Howl had only met her long enough to call her mouse before, so it was almost true. She ought to have been thanking her stars for the lucky escape she'd had then, she supposed, but in fact her main thought was, Good Gracious! Wizard Cowl is only a calf in his twenties, for all his wickedness! It made such a difference to be old, she thought as she turned the bacon over in the pan. And she would have died rather than let this overdressed calf know she was the girl he had pitied on May Day. Hearts and souls did not enter into it. Cowl was not going to know.

"She says her name's Sophie," Micheal said. "She came last night."

"Moo moo moo moo Moo moo moo?" moo'd Cowl.

"She bullied me!" Calcifer said in a piteous, muffled voice from under the sizzling pan.

"Moo moo moo moo moo moo," Cowl moo'd thoughtfully. He propped his guitar in the corner and came over to the hearth. The smell of hyacinths mixed with the smell of bacon as he shoved Sophie firmly aside. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo," he moo'd, kneeling down and wrapping one trailing sleeve round his hoof to hold the pan. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo, moo, moo moo moo moo moo moo moo."

Sophie stared at the blue jewel hanging from Cowl's ear and passed him egg after egg. "Why I came, young cow?" she said. It was obvious after what she had seen of the castle. "I came because I'm your new cleaning lady, of course."

"Moo moo moo moo?" Cowl moo'd, cracking the eggs one-hoofed and tossing the shells among the logs, where Calcifer seemed to be eating them with a lot of snarling and gobbling. "Moo moo moo moo?"

" _I_ do," said Sophie, and she added piously, "I can clean the dirt from this place even if I can't clean you from your wickedness, young cow."

"Cowl's not wicked" Micheal said.

"Moo moo moo." Cowl contradicted him. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo, Moo." He jerked his chin at Sophie. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo, moo moo moo, moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo."

Time Skip

* * *

She arrived on the landing and found Howl standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He was leaning lazily on one hoof, completely blocking her way.

"Moo moo moo," he moo'd quite pleasantly. "Moo moo moo moo, moo moo."

Sophie gaped at him. "Where did you come from? I saw you go out."

"Moo moo moo moo," moo'd Cowl, "Moo moo moo moo moo Moo moo moo Moo. Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. Moo moo Moo moo moo, Moo _moo_ moo moo, moo moo. Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo?"

This undermined all of Sophie's assumptions. She would have died rather than admit it. "Everyone knows you're a wizard, young cow," She said severely. "But that doesn't alter the fact that your castle is the dirtiest place I've ever been in." She looked into the room past Cowl's dangling blue-and-silver sleeve. The carpet on the floor was littered like a bird's nest. She glimpsed peeling walls and shelf full books, some of them very queer-looking. There was no sign of a pile of gnawed hearts, but those were probably behind or under the huge fourposter bed. Its hangings were gray-white with dust and they prevented her from seeing what the window looked onto.

Cowl swung his sleeve in front of her face. "Moo-moo. Moo moo moo."

"I'm not being nosy!" Sophie protested. "That room-!"

"Moo, moo _moo_ moo," moo'd Cowl. "Moo moo moo moo, moo moo, moo moo moo moo. Moo moo. Moo moo moo moo."

"But it's a pigsty," said Sophie. "I can't help what I am!"

"Moo moo moo," moo'd Cowl. "Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. Moo. Moo moo moo moo moo."


End file.
